"It's exhausting having to constantly hold back for fear of being judged."
Raúl became aware that he had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) at age 35, and after going from doctor to doctor, the diagnosis finally confirmed it. "You live thinking you're a disaster, that you don't understand anything, that you're absentminded, that you lose everything... that you're just like that," he explains. He has a degree in Physical Activity and Sports Sciences (CAFE), works part-time as a community activities coordinator at a nursing home and the other part as a personal trainer at a gym, and still finds time for his two great passions: volleyball, where he coaches and serves as president of a club, and rugby. Quite a lot! "ADHD presents obstacles, but it's up to each individual to overcome them. However, I've been fighting for 45 years, beating myself up, and there comes a point when you get tired. Having ADHD is exhausting," he confesses, without losing his smile.
A day in Raúl's life is usually a whirlwind of activity, but now he has to stop, as he's recovering from a broken foot and subsequent surgery. When he describes his current situation, his face changes and his voice loses its energy: "Now I'm not doing anything, I have no order or routines, and this is really bad for me, it's madness. I try to fool myself, do silly things, pass the time... But I've been through some really bad times, playing the field a lot, deceiving myself by saying I was fine, a lot of disorganization, not doing my foot rehabilitation properly..."
Impulsivity, inattention, and emotion management
Raúl tells us how some of the most obvious symptoms of ADHD, such as inattention and impulsivity, have impacted his life , and he does so with a story that perfectly illustrates the consequences of an act that might seem like a simple oversight. "You might lose your folder with your university notes, which are already a mess, but on top of that, this folder contained notes that a classmate had lent you. People might think, 'Oh, it's not that important,' but they don't know the stress of thinking, at 18, that you've lost something that wasn't yours and how you're going to tell this classmate, especially when that same year you've lost three cell phones, failed six exams, plus arguments with your family, plus twelve drunken nights, plus a car accident..."
People with ADHD don't know how to manage their emotions, and that is a real problem. We should talk less about hyperactivity and more about emotions.
And he continues his story, introducing impulsivity and emotional management : “And if I’ve lost my notes and I feel terrible, maybe the baker, who’s completely innocent, pays the price. I don’t even say good morning to him. And when I get home, my mother has made me lunch, and I speak rudely to her, grab my plate, and lock myself in my room, ostracizing my whole family. But then I go to practice and do the 25 activities I have to do, whether I like them or not, because, being hyperactive, I need to burn off all my energy, and my teammates and coach pay the price. I act all rebellious , like, ‘Oh, you want me to do this? Well, I don’t feel like doing it.’ And everyone attacks me because I’m so angry, and the more they attack me, the more I attack.” And then I have a terrible guilty conscience because I've messed up all day and, on top of that, since I have insomnia, I can't sleep thinking about how tomorrow I have to tell my partner that I've lost his notes, which is the cause of everything... And that's how my wonderful day has been, because everything just keeps piling up in the life of someone with ADHD ."
And throughout this process of distress, emotional management plays a crucial role. "People with ADHD don't know how to manage their emotions, and that is a real problem," Raúl points out, advocating for "talking less about hyperactivity and more about emotions."
Addictions and obsessions
People with ADHD may exhibit defiant and rebellious behaviors , act without considering the consequences, and are at higher risk of developing addictive behaviors , such as substance abuse. Raúl openly discusses his relationship with addictions and risky sexual behaviors, which have led to him contracting "more sexually transmitted infections than normal," and even knowing this, "it gets out of hand."
“I ’ve had addiction problems, and it’s a scourge , but it’s there,” he says. “We can fall into anything: gambling, drugs, sports, sex… Anything that gives us a dopamine rush, we go for it.” But he clarifies that it’s not just about “bad things,” but anything that might interest him: “If you like math, you can be the best mathematician in the world, but the problem is that you might forget to shower, eat, and go to the bathroom; you can turn what you like into an obsession. If you like art, you can spend twelve hours every day at the Prado Museum, and if you like athletics, you can wreck your knees from training so much. That’s ADHD.”
Family, personal relationships and work
Raúl, as a child and teenager , was "a real handful," especially compared to his siblings, who were always "very well-behaved and got excellent grades." As is often the case, and even more so when it's not diagnosed until adulthood, ADHD complicated his learning , and he had to repeat eight grades to finally pass his studies. "I've never broken a lamppost in my life, but this situation at school was a nightmare at home," he recalls. He also looks back on those rebellious times , which were difficult for his family, whom he says he "doesn't deserve, because more than once they should have kicked me out."
We can get hooked on anything: gambling, drugs, sports, sex... But not only on bad things, anything that interests you or that you like can become an obsession for you.
Besides his studies and family life, the disorder has interfered and continues to interfere in other areas of his life, such as his romantic and platonic relationships , and his work , which he has held many times throughout his life, with that constant need for change that has also led him to live in several countries. "I'm a restless soul," he says, laughing.
ADHD, low performance and school failure
Raúl has overcome all the difficulties that having ADHD has brought to his life, with effort, of course. "You create your own barriers, but it's true that having this disorder is exhausting ; it's a constant struggle where you often punish yourself by dwelling on what you could or should have done." And this exhaustion is compounded by the stigma: "When you have a disorder, you're judged by a double standard. I have to be doubly good because I'm judged doubly . I feel doubly observed everywhere. I have to be rude like everyone else, but not excessively so, in a cynical and hypocritical world that demands I restrain myself, hold back, for fear of being constantly judged. And this is exhausting."
This testimony is made possible thanks to the Madrid Association of Adults with ADHD (AMATDAH) .
